


Possibilities

by janetcarter



Category: His Dark Materials (TV)
Genre: Definitely Just A Cold, Denial, Discussion of Abortion, Gen, Morning Sickness, Pre-Canon, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28305834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janetcarter/pseuds/janetcarter
Summary: Marisa surely cannot be pregnant, but she strategizes on her theoretical options anyway.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Possibilities

**Author's Note:**

> For the Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt "Definitely Just a Cold."

Marisa's body ached in a way it should not have. This would not be concerning if not for her week-long bout of nausea that was still going strong. Perhaps, even then, it would not be concerning if her bleeding were anywhere near on time, but she was still waiting.

It could easily have been a standard sickness, something that would be gone before she knew it. It could have been one-time flaw in her biology or a simple miscalculation. It could have been many things, only one of them with the potential to shatter everything she had worked to build. But with the way the monkey was looking at her, she found it hard to suppress the most inconvenient of those possibilities.

Edward had been away for months. If she were with child, and that was a very strong _ if _ , it would have no doubt been Asriel's doing. She had been so careful with her husband; a child had no place in her life, even if Edward desired offspring. She simply refused to be reduced to such a role so soon when she had so much more to do.

But Asriel, somehow, had undone her.

And she had let him.

Marisa stood hunched over her sink, hardly recognizing herself in the mirror. Her skin was colorless, her eyes tired, so tired.

The blood would come. She refused to submit herself to any other reality.

And yet, focusing on her work was nearly impossible with the thoughts wracking her mind. There were many possibilities atop the possibility of a child, and, although she certainly was not pregnant, she sought out comfort in setting such realities straight.

The first possibility was a little girl's fantasy; one that, once upon a time, might have flooded her cheeks red. It was unrealistic. It was immature. It was more of an  _ im _ possibility than anything, really. And so dwelling on it would only strengthen her regrets, but she could not keep herself from imagining a proper life with Asriel and their child. At the very least, she would not feel so emotionally sick in such a world, and that relief meant far more than the thought of him cradling an infant with their shared features.

It was far too late for such a situation, of course. And being a mother, even in partnership with a man she dared desire, would only hold her back. But perhaps, if something happened to Edward…

The thought of such ruthlessness made her stomach turn, even if she detested him at times. She clenched her teeth and willed herself not to vomit. The monkey looked up at her with those big eyes. She screwed shut her own. Something could happen to Edward.

The second thought, the one she should have given more weight, was eliminating the problem altogether. There were whispers of women in unsterile, dark rooms performing such procedures. If they were truly as tight-lipped as such a process would necessitate, Marisa did not think she would even _ know _ of their work at all. Evidently, there was never any telling whose secrets they may selectively spill. There was never any telling who might watch her stumble into their back-alley clinic and go under their sinful knife. Without them, there were no doubt concoctions to take to get rid of the problem, but…

She took a deep breath. Marisa Coulter liked to believe she would do anything to protect her ambition. But, if she were pregnant, and she refused to believe she was, her heart dropped at the thought of… of destroying something she and Asriel made.

She was not stupid. She knew there had to be more to prenatal development than what the Magisterium claimed, and that even if life did begin at conception, it should not have stopped her from doing what it necessary. But… it was another thought that made her nauseous, more than she already was, and so she moved on.

Her last option, besides running off with that man and submitting herself to a secret life of motherhood when all she wanted was respect, was to have the child, to raise it as though it was Edward's. Would it even look like him? Would it be Asriel's, plain as day, the final nail in her coffin? Knowing for certain would take patience. It would take lies, it would take deceit, it would take strategy; and strategy she could do.

It would be miserable, she predicted, walking around men who already thought of her a weak-willed, emotional woman while visibly growing a child inside of her. They would turn their heads, they would laugh, they would judge. But she would know the truth, that she had acted outside of their bounds, outside of what they expected of a sweet, innocent woman, and that she would succeed. She would. She had to.

Her monkey watched her inquisitively, wondering if she had it in her to truly do such a thing. She waved him away. He was only a reminder that, on some level, she had allowed herself to enter such a predicament. She only wished she could walk away from him without the sensation of being split in half because maybe then she would not be panicking. Panicking was the opposite of the calculated comfort she had sought out in thinking her predicament through, and Marisa Coulter did not panic.

But her head was light, her body trembled, and she found herself on the verge of vomiting once more.

It could still have just been a sickness, an unwelcome reminder to be more careful with Asriel. Thinking ahead, preparing for futures that may not even happen, was only twisting her up in an uncharacteristic way. Her mind should have halted at the mere possibility of pregnancy in the first place. But a woman like her, a woman with everything already stacked against her, had to be prepared for any outcome.

Foolishly, she wanted to believe that for once she was not alone, that Asriel was at her side, but the man was never keen on strategy. He was always more oriented toward action than  _ thinking _ , and her allowing such behavior to poison her is what caused this mess. And so she needed to be intelligent regarding this for the both of them--for the  _ three _ of them, should she be wrong, should she be… with child.

But of course, she wasn't. She couldn't be. It would ruin her if she had allowed something so shameful to befall her. Pregnancy, especially in such a situation, was only representative of weakness, and Marisa Coulter was not weak.

And so when the monkey eyed her flat abdomen with the gentlest curiosity, when he reached out to touch her where a child was certainly not growing, she smacked his paw away.


End file.
